My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
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Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
nobody’s gonna understand
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere