Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
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I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank