Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
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“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.