*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
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Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Note to self: always read the final line
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*