It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
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And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school