DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
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ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.