Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
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INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Fights fire with marshmallows
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand