Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
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Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.