“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
You Might Also Like
your honor my client chooses dare
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Just a friendly reminder!
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”