@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this ๐๐พ
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I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Anyone want a chair?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one Iโm wearing right now, apparently.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. Thatโs why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
sheโs a 10 but excel thinks sheโs an October
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Screw that. I love this bench and I donโt care who knows it!
back to work
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Seeing someoneโs false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sirโฆ we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
i donโt have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless itโs in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: โOne order of tires, please.โ
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Me:
Mime:
Me: You donโt say!
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing