Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
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inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I want what they have
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”