Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Me if I was a dog
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*