People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
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My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Waiting for the Charmin
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9