who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
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Love this guy
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭