cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
You Might Also Like
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I am having an out of money experience.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.