[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
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game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Squirrels before girls.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.