no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
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My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Room with a view.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized