….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
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I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Sorry not sorry.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.