[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
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Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.