nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
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listen closely
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
The Struggle
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
saving face 👀
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY