The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
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Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.