I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
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I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands