*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
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I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
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