Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
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My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*