I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
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You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Not helping
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*