[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
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I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
How to woo a woman
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Cha-ching is my safe word
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
guilty
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this