I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
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Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I’ve had worse
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.