cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
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This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib