roman lesbians: *caesaring*
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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I love wikipedia
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound: