WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
You Might Also Like
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.