My what?
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When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.