Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
You Might Also Like
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.