I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
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[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
They got Raph!
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.