My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
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PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Sing it!
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Yes, this is exactly right
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”