[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh