“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
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No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh