*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
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instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
#parenting
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.