How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
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My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
This line from Airplane.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment