Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
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I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Dishonest mechanic?
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.