You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
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One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet