[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
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My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I’m listening
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler