I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
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Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
This came to me in a dream.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*