Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
You Might Also Like
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.