How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
You Might Also Like
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”