Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
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What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.