I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Oh yeah that’s it
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
*jazz hands*
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me driving through Toronto
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?