Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
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I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food