Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.