Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
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Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.