The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
You Might Also Like
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.